Cool Story, Bro
by what do dogs do to wolves
Summary: Jasper and Edward are just bros, right? S-s-suh-slash. AU/AH E/J
1. the death of smokey

**COOL STORY, BRO  
summ.:** Jasper and Edward are just bros, right? Well, it ends with Jasper and Edward in the woods.S-s-suh-slash. Stupid, I know, but I really wanted to try writing it.  
**a/n: **I've had this floating around for awhile, so might as well finish/post it.

* * *

**TUESDAY**

Jasper sprawled on the couch, watching the television set flash with abounding colors. A half-empty bottle of whiskey lay next to him, threatening to spill its contents. He took a final drag of his cigarette. The ashtray on the coffee table was full, so he flicked the dead cigarette butt somewhere he approximated the garbage basket to be. It hit the floor.

"Alice!" His little girlfriend poked her head out of their kitchen. "Where the fuck's the garbage?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Am I your maid?"

"No, but you ought to dress like it." Smoke was wafting from the kitchen, a stingy burning smell trailing. Jasper gagged. "Besides, you'd be a poor cook." The smoke alarms blared loudly, and Jasper found the will get up. He took a fluffy pillow and chucked it at the noise maker. It fell, the plastic casing shattering on the floor. Alice stopped the other one in the kitchen.

"Hey, we need another alarm." He surveyed the wreckage. "Again." Alice bounded to the hallway to see the wreck.

"Maybe if you didn't attack everything," she hissed, "we'd still have Smokey." Jasper rolled his eyes. She had named his toaster, microwave, TV, fan, and even the smoke alarm.

"Smokey the third, you mean." And he was only counting the smoke alarms in the hall. The one in the kitchen had another name. "How do you set off the fucking alarms with a _sandwich_?"

"Um, I was roasting it." She had the plate in her hand, black bread with cheese crusting the edges. "Look." Jasper bent to pick up his cigarette butt, aptly placing it on top of the burnt thing. Alice pouted as he took his seat on the couch. "Oh come on, it's not that bad!"

He waved her away. "Allie-cat, I love you, but find a fucking trash can and shove that in there!" Jasper clutched the remote, flicking through stolen cable channels until he found it. "Fuck." ESPN's dreaded golf coverage bored him to tears, but he admitted it was better than some of the odder things on TV.

He was torn from catatonic boredom by a phone call. "Alice, get the phone!"

"I'm in the bathroom!" Her voice was muffled. "Can you get me some toilet paper? Some _idiot_ forgot to replace it." The phone was on its third ring, almost ready to drop the call. Jasper let the machine get it.

"Hey, it's Emmett," the voice gurgled. "Um, Jasper, I know you're there, fucker." Jasper groaned. "Whatever. You weren't answering your cell, so I just called. You wanna go hunting this weekend? Edward's finally free, so now we can all go." Jasper thought Emmett was going to hang up, but he continued. "Oh, and say hey to Alice for me!" The machine clicked as he finished.

_Edward, huh?_ Jasper took a thoughtful swig of whiskey. _Wonder how good of a shot he is._ Jasper considered himself a masterful marksman, contrasted with the big lumbering Emmett and his clumsy shooting. Edward looked like the kid afraid of shooting a can off the fence. Jasper eyed the TV lazily.

"_Jasper. Whitlock. Hale_!" Alice had her pants around her little legs. Jasper leered, though he was inhibited by the far-flung anger on her face. The veins were popping out of her hand, crumpling the roll of paper she held. "What the _fuck_?"

"Hey babe," he said to her. "Uh, sorry? I do like the new look, though." The toilet paper roll smacked him right on the head, bounding onto the floor. _She's a good pitcher_, he thought. Alice stomped back into the bathroom and came out, returning to the kitchen. He was about to yell at her for a sandwich, until he noticed faint skidmarks on the roll. _Holy fuck, she didn't._ It made him a notch hornier than the norm, and he smiled.


	2. gym rats and baseball bats

**COOL STORY, BRO**

* * *

**WEDNESDAY**

The gym was bustling, even on a Wednesday. Jasper had gotten into the whole working out thing during high school, but it wasn't until they whipped him into shape as a cadet that he fixed his form and had to start over. Today he spotted a lot of obvious newcomers, obvious by their bad form. Sometimes he helped them - mostly the women, though if Alice found out she'd go ballistic. He rolled his eyes. Right after her fit of jealous rage, she'd probably run into Edward and wet herself. Jasper was stranger to the looks, and he had 'scolded' her after she first met the man. _That was one of, if not the best, times._ It did annoy him that he technically had to prove himself better, though she wouldn't do that.

He found Emmett doing his usual Wednesday set, though he didn't need the beef. He only started lifting after college, though if Jasper stood next to him he looked like he'd been doing it for years. Still, Emmett needed work. At least, Jasper thought so. He couldn't not think of Emmett as the funny fat guy he was in high school. He squinted. _He could use some leg_. Emmett's legs looked flabby, even with his slowly muscling appearance.

"Hey fucker," Emmett grunted, lowering the heavy bar. He got Jasper's odd stare and looked down. "Something on my shirt?" Jasper averted his eyes quickly.

"Nah, bro." Jasper brought his gaze to the women on the machines, looking for a good face. _Old, ugly, big nose, bad hair, weird eyes..._ His face twisted when he thought of the last time he tried to rate the machine ladies. _Oh fuck, isn't that the chick who had an orgasm on the bike?_ It had been obvious in the forty-something woman's face, and now Jasper felt sorry for whoever used the bike afterwards.

"Find something you like?" Emmett joined Jasper in his stare. "Wow, you must be desperate. Alice not giving you enough?" Jasper frowned at Emmett's snickering.

"I give her enough," he said, turning. He spotted Edward coming and nudged Emmett. "Hey bro."

Edward gave a cheeky grin. "Hi. Hey Emmett, about that hunting trip-"

"What, that job of yours shoving a foot up your ass?" Edward had gotten used to the vulgarity, but he still flinched. Emmett liked the guy enough, but Jasper wasn't as quickly taken. He had a pretty boy look to him, skinny wrists and all. To Jasper, it screamed douche. They'd met through Emmett at a year ago, here in the gym. He'd spotted for the guy after convincing Edward his wrists wouldn't shatter if he didn't use the weight rack. Jasper nodded at Edward's slight but well-working improvement. _He doesn't look half-bad._

"Er, no, I'm completely free." Edward took a playful punch from Emmett. "Not my question, though. What exactly do we do? Other than hunt, of course."

"Shoot." Jasper made a gun gesture. "Drink, smoke, piss in the woods and shit in the river."

"You mean piss in the _river_ and shit the _woods_?" Edward asked, chuckling.

"Maybe." Jasper left his friends to their devices. Today was core day, and Jasper wasn't the type to break a habit.

**o-o-o**_  
_

Emmett's apartment tasted of smoke. It made Edward gag a little as he stepped in from the rain. He'd done some pot in college, it didn't add up to the results of Emmett's chain smoking routine. He saw Jasper on the couch, lightly gripping a bottle and completely engrossed in the game. Emmett was probably in the bathroom, yelling profanities at the blaring TV. Edward could've slipped in on the couch unnoticed.

Jasper didn't notice. Or he did, but didn't think enough to put two and two together. "Hey, Edward!" Jasper gave him the go-ahead to sit down. "Hey Emmett! Edward's here!" Emmett howled from wherever he was. Edward plopped down with Jasper just inches away. It was the first time since he landed a fallback office gig that he had the time to toss a few drinks back. He was about to help himself but Jasper passed him a cold one, his eyes still watching the baseball game.

"Who's playing?" Edward asked.

"It's high def, bro." Jasper's eyes flicked left to right. "Best game of the god damn year." Edward looked at the screen. _Cardinals against Mariners._ Jasper was decked in a Mariner jersey, reminding Edward of his own roots. He'd moved from Chicago to Los Angeles after college, hopeful to pursue his acting career. He had little passion for the sport, but he did like sporting that signature Cubbie blue. He shook his head - they wouldn't be in the World Series in his lifetime at this rate. Emmett appeared, sitting down on the table.

"What's wrong, Edward?" Emmett popped open a can of beer. "Baseball not your game?"

Edward took a sip of his own beer. "It's a good sport, but-" Jasper and Emmett hooted as the game heated up, the eighth inning coming up. It was tight, both teams neck to neck with zero runs. "I'm more of a Cubs fan." He admitted their suckage, but his family

"Oh right." Emmett remembered them and their incredibly long World Series drought. His attention was ensnared by the game once more. Jasper, in his enthusiasm, accidently grazed Edward's hand. He didn't notice, but Edward shuddered. He couldn't be thinking of the unthinkable again. _That's not it. _Somebody laughed at him. _Why do you deny your lu-_

"What the fuck?" Jasper almost threw his can at the enormous screen, frustration. "That was fucking in!" Edward rolled his eyes, though it was only right for Jasper to rip his hair out over his favorite sport and team. Emmett had told him about Jasper's all-star baseball track. He could imagine Jasper on the baseball field, under the blazing sun.

The inning closed and the final game of the series looked toward a well-fought draw. The Cardinals and Mariners were three games to three, and this seventh game would draw the final line between winner and loser. Edward watched closely, though he still wasn't as nearly wrapped up in it, even in the last inning. The Cardinals pitcher threw the ball at the top of the ninth.

"Swing and a miss," the game announcer said. The room was tense.

"Come on!" Emmett slammed his beer down on the table. Edward was more interested in the Cardinals, even with the Cubs-Cardinals rivalry. They in the same division, at least. _The other team,_ he gulped. The three of them watched the inning close with no hits.

"Oh shit," Jasper said. He nudged Edward. "Hey man, show some support."

"I am." Edward smiled. "In my own way." The Cardinals were up at the plate, then the pitch. Edward's eyes burned, watching the bat hit the ball. Emmett and Jasper rose to their feet, gaping as the ball flew into the seats. The game was over in a split second, the crowds roaring. Edward allowed himself a yelp, prompting the other guys to stare.

"What?" He looked at their dark faces. "I'm for the other team."


	3. the cows come home

**COOL STORY, BRO**

**

* * *

**

**FRIDAY**

Emmett crooned over to Jasper's in his beat up van, miffed by Rosalie's car taking up his space, though he didn't mind it. The afternoon sun Edward sat up front with him, clad in new hunting gear. He looked like a green boy, twiddling his thumbs in clothes too big for him. _Can't believe he hasn't shot a gun before._ Emmett shook his head. He and Jasper had been hunting since they were boys. With his father a cop - and now chief of police - he was no stranger to guns. _What do lawyers' kids do?_

"I can understand the hunting thing," Emmett said, "but you've never touted a gun?"

Edward shrugged as he slugged out of the van. "Never got around to it."

"Not even a BB gun?" Emmett saw Edward's smile and let a laugh. "My God, Edward, my fucking God."

The door opened to another blonde. "Emmett?" She looked unphased by his presence. He was surprised she actually addressed him with his real name. She always played him off with knick-knacky names. _I fucking hate that pact._ Emmett sighed regretfully, thinking of the promise he and Jasper made. _You don't fuck my sister, and I won't fuck yours._ Not that Rosalie would ever go on a date with the Marshmellow, but it was a dream. _I still hate that fucking pact._ _Even if I did think it up._ It was only to protect his considerably younger sister Bella, and a half-joke besides. Now, with Bella's legality, it had become an unspoken rule.

"Hey She-ra," Emmett said. "How's the crystal castle?" Edward snickered.

"God, you guys went all out." She let them in, her eyes rolling at the sight of their outfits. "Jasper's gonna be late for some reason - I forget - and Alice is just out." Emmett's gaze went around the room a few times before finding its way back to Rosalie. _It already looks and smells better in here._ Edward lingered by the pictures. Most of them were of Jasper and Alice now - she had been keen on being a big presence in Jasper's life. There were a few pictures of Emmett up, but they were overshadowed. "Can I get you guys anything? Edward?"

"I'm fine, thanks." Edward said. Emmett denied the offer as well.

"Haven't you seen those pictures a million times?" Emmett asked, flicking on the TV. There wasn't anything fun in looking at a friend's relationship slideshow. Edward gave him another shrug.

"There's really nothing on TV anyways." _There's always something on TV, _thought Emmett, though he wasn't watching the TV as attentively as he was watching his best friend's sister stride over to Edward.

"So, Edward," she said so coolly. "Jasper tells me you've an interest in acting?" His face lit up.

"It's why I'm here." _He's an office monkey now, _Emmett wanted to shout. "I haven't had much success, TV or movie. Just the odd extra here and there, maybe a few speaking roles that got killed off too early."

"I've always wanted to act, you know." She winked at him. "It's why I quit modeling. You been on anything big?"

"Just random movies, but you can barely see me in any of them." Emmett frowned as his friend was just basking in her approach. _Fuck, Edward, don't you get it? She's using you for her career!_ He thought of the pact he had cursed earlier, thinking of introducing Edward to it.

"Hey, on second thought," Emmett piped up, "I think I'll have a drink." Rosalie glared at him. He half-expected her to get something, then realized his grave mistake.

"Yeah, everything cold's in the fridge." The words were like a slap. Emmett got up to fetch whatever Jasper didn't already drain dry.

**o-o-o**_  
_

Their conversation came to an abrupt silence, a chance for the both of them to catch their words. Edward saw immediate lines of family resemblance in Rosalie. He figured it would be easy to find any spark of attraction. The two of them had hit it off with her instantly, but it only reminded him of Jasper even more.

"You guys hang out here often, huh?" Her interest was far from waning. Edward tried to swallow in a dry throat. "Oh, look who's home." The door hung open and Jasper filled the doorway. Edward felt the corners of his lips curl out of his control, felt the heat touching his cheeks. _Damn it._

"Oh shit, is it Friday already?" Jasper gave Edward a hard slap on the back. "What's up, Edward?" Edward nearly lost it. He managed to squeak out a hello, but Emmett swept in with his greeting.

"Hey bro, I'll be in the car!" Emmett yelled. "Nice seeing you too, Rose." Edward watched him give her his dashing smile before turning on his heel and stepping out the door. Rosalie seemed unphased. The room grew silent and Edward fidgeted nervously.

"So," she said.

"Just so." Edward guessed this was about the time they exchanged information. The situation reminded him of his first car accident.

Rosalie picked up a picture frame she had been pre-occupied with. "So my brother and this little girl, huh?"

He stiffened. "Um, yes. I suppose." Frivolous banter had never been Edward's cup of tea. He did wonder why Jasper was still dating Alice. _Neurotic little twit,_ he thought. Often times Alice reminded him of a little boy, and he wondered.

"I see." She put the picture back. Edward raised an eyebrow. "Funny."

"Funny?" Edward asked.

"Well," Rosalie whispered to him, "he's not the type to go for girls... like her."


	4. suck it dry

**COOL STORY, BRO**

* * *

**SATURDAY **

Edward's hand twitched, running a finger down the rifle's barrel. "Nifty," he said. He was lucky Emmett and Jasper only did this whole hunting thing once a year.

"Gotta celebrate Pops," Emmett had said. "That crazy bastard got his ass mauled by Bigfoot, I swear!"

"Serves your old man right for charging clear at a giant bear," Jasper teased back. Emmett got him back with a playful shove.

The van rolled to a shaky stop under the sky scraping glades. _Only the beginning_, Edward mused as Emmett pointed out the beginning of the trail.

"There's our path, bro," Emmett said.

Edward squinted. "Um, what path?"

Emmett popped the door and hopped out. "Right behind those wee trees over there." Edward squinted, playing with the zipper of his camoflauge jacket. "It's not a long walk, man. You'll live."

Edward shoved the car door aside sharply, only to just barely evade being pinned underneath a heavy stand. He watched the hunting stand bounce to the ground.

"Yeah, you're supposed to catch that," Jasper snorted, cracking a smile. Edward smiled slightly, feeling the strings that held him together being pulled by some cruel fate. _The cigarette is a nice touch,_ he thought, watching one of Jasper's many vices in action.

"Ed, no time to day dream," Emmett called, slinging his worn-out rifle onto his shoulder. "Timing bro, timing!" He slipped past the leafy trees and towered over the undergrowth.

Jasper had the deer blind and supplies. "Come on," he grunted, flicking the last of his cigarette into the rough. "Don't drop a shit - it's only walking."

Edward picked up the stand hastily.

"Steady," Jasper knelt alongside Edward, properly arranging Edward's grip. He laughed at the sight of his shaking friend almost clutching the rifle. _Man, it's just a gun. _"Use the scope." Edward seemed tense, he noticed, watching the stiffness of Edward's shoulders. "Relax. Breathe."

"Use the force!" Emmett exclaimed. "The force, use, you must!" He stood taller than he already was on the deer ladder, using his rifle as a light saber.

"Yeah, that's great Yoda," Jasper said, flicking the grays of his eyes around. Emmett would never admit it, but right next to his extensive porn collection sat an evenly-matched stack of nerdy geekeries. "This ain't no Dungeons and Dragons shit, bro." Emmett recoiled.

"Hey, man," Emmett bristled, distracting himself by analyzing the horizon for any deer. "Lay off the dice."

"Chillax, Em," Jasper snickered, thinking of Emmett's pudgy high school days that Edward hadn't the privelege of witnessing. "Any deer yet?"

"Nothing but-"

"Quiet," It was a hushed yet hoarse sound from Edward. Emmett nearly fell off his deer ladder. "I hear something."

Jasper turned, following Edward's slight motion towards the northeast. He figured the soft rustling of the bushes was only the wind, but after a quick check it was obvious the slight wind was blowing directly south. _Good eye,_ he admitted.

The birds' caws over the grounds beat against the awkwardness of the silence.

Emmett turned his bulk hesitantly. "You sure?"

"Well, I - um," Edward stammered.

"Wait!" Jasper spotted the rough browns of a and characteristic white tail of a whitetail deer just as it scampered out of sight. "It's coming." The three watched the deer stalk the area for food, anticipating its next move.

Emmett motioned, but Edward cocked his gun. "I think I can get it," he said, propping up his rifle on its stand. Emmett shrugged, not dropping his position. The doe stood still, graceful and slender far across the clearing.

"You think?"Jasper had an eyebrow raised. It was a tough shot for a beginner, regardless of Edward's keen sense. He was no marksman, Jasper thought, noting Edward's trembling. His hands were slightly slipping from the sweat. "Here, let me -"

_BANG!_

Edward stumbled backwards as the gun recoiled into his shoulder. The doe crumpled, a bullet lodged up between its eyes and into her brain. The rifle had fallen from his hands as he tried to absorb the impact.

"You all right?" Jasper asked.

Edward huffed in the excitement of the hunt. "Did I get it?"

"_Did_ you get it?" Emmett said with his eyes blinking through binoculars. "Fuck shit yes, you fucking did."

Jasper helped him up, patting him on the back. "Beginner's luck," he said with a dashing smirk.

Edward reddened.

**o-o-o**_  
_

"Shit," Jasper said, fumbling around in his pack. "I've got no more damn bullets!" A single rain drop rolled down the bridge of his nose. "Fuck - Emmett, you got any more rounds?"

"On my last one," Emmett checked. "How about you?"

Jasper groaned. "Why do you think I asked, man?" He turned to Edward. "Ed, got any left?"

"Yes," he puffed, buckling under the weight of two tarped up deer despite Emmett's help, "but not enough for much else."

"Bullshit," Jasper snorted. "One of us was supposed to bring the rounds." There was no way they emptied all of their bullets and only two deer to show for it. _Emmett and Edward's damn deer_, he thought darkly.

"I think that was you, bro," Emmett said, though in the thrill of the hunt he did indeed forget his responsibility. "Maybe you dropped it?"

"Wasn't there a box of bullets in the glove compartment of the van?" Edward chimed in.

"Your bullets, your van, bro," Jasper grinned.

Emmett's face twisted. "Fuck you." He accepted his responsibility. "Fine, I'll go back to the van and get them. It's not _that_ far." _It's only about three o'clock, _Emmett noted, _plenty of time before packing it in._

"Great," Jasper groaned, "we've lost ample time thanks to Emmett's crap." He lit up a cigarette. "Whatever."

"Crap," Edward looked up. "We've got -"

"What now, brah?" Jasper looked up only to be greeted with a light volley of rain.

"Shit."

Lightning crossed the darkened sky in a bright flash, quickly followed by the approaching footsteps of thunder. It was too late to turn back now; their rifles would rust without a doubt. Luckily, Edward spotted a large outcropping that was enough to keep the two dry.

"Shit," Jasper said, the rain already running through his hair. "How long is this shit gonna last?" The cave proved a sound shelter from the onslaught of the storm.

"I guess we should've followed Emmett," Edward said in a hush.

"Fuck that Weather channel lady," Jasper spat. "Though I did like it when she wore that weird dress that matched the green screen and you could only see that part that was showing off her boobs."

Edward swallowed in a dry throat. "W-when was that?" Of course, he was still dating a 'girl'. _Crazy, manic bitch of one,_ he thought.

"I dunno, a year ago?" Jasper shrugged. "Shit, might have been three years ago."

"Oh."

The pitter-patter of rain beat against their makeshift roof disturbed Edward. The atmosphere was so chill he could hear his own heart beat. Of course, a little alcohol never ruined anyone's spirits.

Jasper absently brushed his hair. "Fuck that asshole Emmett," he said, sipping on some whiskey he brought along. "He's a wimp. You know he's afraid of thunderstorms?"

"How?" Edward laughed, taking a swig from his own canteen. "You're shitting me." Emmett looked like he could take on a thunderstorm and shove it up someone's asshole.

"Shit you I do not," Jasper said, spilling the beans. "Well into the teen years, my friend. Supposedly, he once _shit his pants_ on a date with some girl when the thunder and lightning hit."

"What?" Edward nearly shat his own pants. "Jasp, don't ever write or whatever. You aren't convincing anyone with that."

"Okay, okay," Jasper admitted, "maybe that was a little exaggerated. He still sharted, though." The bottle met his lips again and the whiskey blazed as it went down. "Left a goddamn stank his car and you can't imagine the shit track it left."

"Sucks to be him," Edward agreed. He noticed the ruddy blush spread on Jasper's face, taking note of his own buzz. "How's things with Alice?"

"Funny you bring that up, my brother," Jasper said, musing on the issue a bit. "She's tight, why?" He casually wrapped his arm around Edward, much to Edward's delight. "Hey, so I heard from a hissy Emmett earlier that you and Rosalie really - "

"It's not what it - " Edward quickly changed the course. "Oh, yeah, about that..."

"Naw, it's cool," Jasper said. "Emmett's just all pissed because he's had this massive crush on her since, oh I dunno, _ever_." He drank again. "Also there's this bullshit he always brings up about not fucking our friend's sisters or whatever; he's crazy." Jasper laughed, the thunder cracking in tune with him making him sound diabolical. "Now, Rosalie - she's just another bucketshit of crack."

"Really?" Edward definitely got a vibe of crazy, but he felt it more as crazy _confidence_.

"It's just that bitch has got some claws on her," Jasper did a little claw thing with his hand. "Though I'd like to see her play with a ball of yarn like you, Eddie."

The nickname he hated seemed natural coming from Jasper's dusty voice. "Well, she only asked me about acting agencies and my work and what not," he said. In the dim light provided by their camp light Edward's gaze swept the once-hidden planes of Jasper's striking face.

"Yeah, she's setting you up," Jasper rolled, his tongue mixing more sounds with his words. "Ed, bro, you've got bigger fish to fry."

_I guess the recipe includes whiskey,_ Edward thought. "She gave me her number."

"If it's a card, you know you're done."

"Cocktail napkin," Edward said, though it felt like she had a stack of pre-written napkins in her purse. It was too elegant and fancy to be some random scrawl.

"Reject hot line," Jasper snapped.

"I think she made that move, not me." Edward sensed something was off. "Look, if you don't feel comfortable with something like that, I wasn't planning on calling her back anyways."

Jasper looked down and off to his left. "It's not that, it's - "

Edward leapt at this. "What is it?"

"Of course, you're gonna have to deal with that shit when you come over," Jasper laughed, keenly avoiding something that should have never cropped up. "A Rose scorned is just something - um, well, no one's ever done _that_ before." No one's ever turned down a prospective date with Rosalie Hale - especially if _she_ asked first, an extremely rare notion as far as Jasper could recall. "Knowing her she'd probably throw herself off a cliff or something."

"Oh yeah," Edward remembered she'd be rooming with Jasper for God knows how long. "Hey, you guys never come to my place."

"You don't even have a TV, Edward," Jasper said. Edward was a paycheck-to-nearly-nonexistent-paycheck kind of guy. "What are we gonna do there?"

Edward was distracted by Jasper's hand touching his leg. "What? Sorry, I was just thinking about... something." The rain whipped around the cave and the storm bellowed above them.

"What?" Jasper had too much liquor drowning his brain, Edward thought.

"There is one thing we could do there," Edward said, the buzz of whiskey getting to him. "Maybe..."

Jasper smiled all loopy. "Oh," he said, feeling Edward's weight on top of him. "That's funny. Tickles, even."

Edward feared that the alcohol would numb his spirit, but he felt his dick bulge uncomfortably against the inside of his pants. _I didn't imagine it like _this, he thought, _but it's better than constant cock teasing._ Now that Edward was finally in the position to fulfill his dreams, everything came screeching to a halt. _What do I do, suck him off?_ He'd never done much more than make out with a girl during a high school party.

Jasper seemed amused by this display. "Hi, Eddie," he purred.

Edward found himself staring into Jasper's glazed eyes. "Jasper," he nodded, taking his cue. He grabbed Jasper by his shirt collar and pulled his face close. Edward inhaled the pungent aroma of alcohol lacing Jasper's breath. "Hello."

Jasper took the bait, smirking devilishly. It had seemed that Edward had been too hesitant, and before he could pull away Jasper's hands were clawing through his matted bronze hair and his tight lips met Jasper's worn yet soft ones. In the moment, he forgot where his lips ended and where Jasper's began.

Jasper was also the first to pull away. "Fuck," he said, his slippery awareness rising above the tides of the whiskey. "Fucking fuck, damn it!"

Edward soured. "So you kiss Alice with that mouth, huh?"

"Fucking faggot," Jasper hissed, half a moment from kicking Edward swift in the balls. "I knew it. I always knew you were weird - didn't know it was the queer kind, though." He wiped his mouth, found the whiskey bottle and took a long hard swig.

There was some time where the rain swelled and the only sound between them was the pelting of the rain against the unwavering rock.

The clouds of intoxication still fogged Edward's vision. "Hey man," he moved a sympathetic hand towards his sullen friend. "Jasp - "

Before he knew it, Jasper leapt at him, pinning Edward down and sloppily trailing his lips from Edward's collar bone to his mouth. The taste of Jasper's smoky flavor mixed with the day's alcohol exploded in Edward's mouth as he pulled Jasper's body closer to his.

"Fuck you, faggot," Jasper said, between hungry wet kisses full of unreleased tension. His breathing ran ragged and his heart thrashed against his chest. Edward hastily unbuckled his belt and kicked his camouflage knickers off. His briefs went next. "Fuck." Jasper's hand trailed down Edward's chest and ended its journey at his rockhard cock, his finger tracing around it.

"Suck it," Edward said through labored lips. "Go." Jasper's eyes were glazed with uncertainity. He bent over slowly, undoing the confines of his own pants and boxers. They sagged to his knees and quickly revealed his hard-on.

"Like this?" Jasper shoved Edward's slick shaft between his lips, savoring the pre-cum. His tongue tickled the head, drawing upon an new canvas. He made his way down Edward's wet pulsing dick, feeling every vein and curve. Jasper looked up at the now shirtless Edward.

Jasper's innocent little look set fire to dynamite. "Yeah," Edward half-grunted, his hips thrusting forward. Jasper pulled back a little, but Edward's hand steadied him. He moved to place Jasper's hand on his balls. "There." Jasper massaged them gently with his crude yet knowing fingers. He felt Jasper's hot breath roll over his cock, grunting with approval. Edward gasped every time Jasper kissed his balls with his hands working his dick. He leaned into Jasper, unsure whether or not he could hold control any longer. Jasper took Edward into his mouth again, teasing him over the edge.

Edward shuddered, throbbing in a blissful haze.

Jasper felt the rush of thick jizz sliding over his tongue, pulling away with muted disgust. He gagged slightly, but spitting most of it out. Edward lay there, basking in the afterglow. The look in his eyes beckoned Jasper forward. He put his cheek against Edward's chest.

"Asshole," he said, hardly serious. Edward propped himself up slowly, cradling Jasper.

"Queer." Edward brought a hand down to Jasper's hard-as-rock dick, jacking it off. Jasper groaned, pushing himself into Edward. He exploded after a few more strokes, leaving Edward's hands sticky with the mess.

Jasper smiled. "Faggot."

**o-o-o**_  
_

Emmett cursed himself. "Shit," he said, overstepping deer shit or something. "They're gonna be _pissed_!" The worst of the storm was over and he'd climbed out of the van after he was absolutely certain the thunder had stopped. He stopped in his tracks, hearing a distant clap of thunder. When he moved again he noticed a sticky issue on his boot. "Crap, deer poop."

He was happy he managed to make his way back to the place he left Edward and Jasper alive. "Ed!" He called. "Jasper! Where are you guys?" He spat as the drizzling rain sprayed him lightly.

They hobbled out of the odd cave slowly, wearing each other's shirts on accident. Emmett didn't notice a thing.

"Hey, bro!" Jasper called, holding a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels. He leaned on a smiling Edward's shoulder. "Fuck the bullets, man, let's get the fuck out of here. Damn stupid ass weather chick."

"What?" Emmett cried, feeling excluded. He shrugged. "Whatever. I got the deers back at the van."

"_Deers_?" Edward raised an eyebrow.

"_Deer_," Emmett huffed, rolling his eyes. "Just come on already! And lemme get a sip of that shit, assholes."

* * *

**a/n:** I got a little... excited writing this. :O I just hope this doesn't get put on weepingcock ;-;


	5. fashion and passion

**COOL STORY, BRO **

**SUNDAY**

* * *

The old van stopped right behind Rosalie's red heap of a car. Emmett threatened to bump it but only God knows what shit would go down if he even scratched it.

Jasper fumbled with the keys to his apartment. "Got it," he said, opening the door to a lifeless place. "Allie-cat?" The echo of his voice gave way to the whispers.

"_Ow_!" The voice was shrill. "You're poking me!"

"Just hold still," another, tiny and perky voice said. "You'll ruin it."

"It's not fitting," said the shrill one. "Plus, it's biting my side."

"I think I can get it in if I - "

There was a loud, gutting gasp.

"Great. Now I can't breathe."

"Maybe somebody isn't really a size two," the perky one giggled.

"Maybe someone isn't really a girl," the other voice taunted.

"Hey! Now just _what_ does that mean?"

Emmett's jaw fell off and hit the floorboard. "Just what are they doing in there?" Edward held his blank composure.

"Alice?" Jasper called again. "Rosalie? You know we can hear you guys."

"Yeah, mind if we watch?" Emmett asked giddily.

"Oh shit!"

**o-o-o**_  
_

Alice clamored out of the bedroom, fully clothed and holding a needle with thread rolling from it, much to Emmett's dismay and fright. She made a stabbing motion at him.

"Damn it, Emmett Theodore McCarty!" Alice shrieked. "I've got Pointy, and she's very angry at the moment!"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "You named it? _Pointy?_"

"Apparently, she names everything," said Rosalie, hobbling out to the living room in what looked like an awfully tight and awkward dress that wanted to fit in at Fashion Week but was made fun of. "Guess what she named this, um, _thing_?"

"Drag Woman?" Jasper guessed.

Emmett snickered. "Vogue reject?"

"It looks like Lady Gaga took a dump somewhere and well - " Alice shot him the scariest, twisted look he'd ever seen. Edward cut himself off there. "Eh, Alexander would be proud?"

"Wrong," Alice pouted, "wrong, _wrong!_" She pulled Rosalie (who nearly fell) forward. "Meet Spoony." Now the huge spoon and fork on the shoulders made total sense. It did look like it was a large napkin from a restaurant. The wrap around the waist completed the wrapped-up-silverware look. The interesting idea didn't excuse such an execution, though.

Alice didn't like silence. "This is _avant-garde_, boys!" She blew a kiss to Jasper. "_Fantastique_! _Beau_!"

"Is anyone going to help me here?" Rosalie gasped. "Someone's going to have to cut me out of this damn whatever this is!"

"Well, I did ask you if were a size two, and you did say 'yes,' dear." Alice said devilishly. "Well, now I've got a _real_ model to play with!" She clapped her hands with glee. "But if you _ever_ touch _my _Jasper," she whispered, narrowing her eyes.

"Um, I - didn't we explain that - " Rosalie rolled her eyes and played along. "What will happen if I ever... _touch_ Jasper?"

Alice smiled ever-so-innocently. "_I'll kill you._" She turned to the shell shocked boys too afraid to breathe. "Who wants dinner? I know you'd all be hungry, so I figured - "

"No!" Emmett shouted suddenly before realizing it. He cleared his throat. "Uh, me and Edward have to hit the road, Alice," Emmett the gentleman said cooly. "He's got work; I've got to haul the deers in the van to my uncle's taxidermy shop." He flashed a smile he hoped Rosalie would see. "So, we gotta _go_. Sorry."

Jasper everyone's stomachs lurch forward. "Allie-cat, girl, I thought we discussed this - you _can't_ cook."

"Me? Cook?" Alice laughed a little too long. "Oh, I know - I'm terrible!"

"No she doesn't," Jasper whispered to an agreeable Emmett and Edward.

Alice patiently waited. "As I was _saying_, I didn't cook. Rosalie did."

"Thank God," Edward sighed, remembering an awful bout of food poisoning after being subjected to some unsuspicious leftovers in Jasper's fridge. "What's on the menu?"

"Okay, well actually it's just ramen noodles I picked up at the store," Rosalie admitted. "I lived on takeout."

Alice's Bambi eyes somehow got bigger. "Oh, so that's how you do it!"

_Groan._

**o-o-o**_  
_

"So," Rosalie said, standing by the counter with a modest t-shirt and just long enough shorts on. "How was the hunting trip? I did not know you boys still did that."

The only thing that could distract Emmett from a basketball game was Rosalie's long legs. "Well, you know, the usual - point and shoot. I caught the most, as usual. You remember, don'cha?"

"Oh yeah, those days." Not only did Rosalie Lillian Hale strut her stuff down the runway, but she could nail a moving target as good as any trained marksman. "I'm still better than both of you." She turned to Edward. "You catch anything, Edward?"

"Yes, actually," he said sheepishly. "Nothing big, though, just a doe."

"Just a fucking doe, bro?" Jasper laughed. "Bullshit, man. That was an impossible shot, even for me."

"Oh yeah? How far?"

"Well, it was only fifty yards at most, but Edward's never shot a damn gun in his fucking life!" Jasper raised his glass. "To Eddie - may he ever keep on shootin' or whatever." The shot glasses clanked.

**o-o-o**_  
_

Jasper decided to tag along with Emmett and Edward for a little bit, despite being bonefuck tired. The vodka brought him into higher spirits. Edward, who had and could take the least, had to drive.

"Emmett, you'll be all right?" Edward said, stopping the bumbling van. The glovebox popped open suddenly, startling a wasted Emmett.

"What?" A picture fluttered into Emmett's lap.

"What's that?"

"Jus' a picture of Bella," he said, handing the photo over to Edward. "She's a smartie. She's going to Canada for college this fall."

"Nice," Edward said, twisting the picture in the moonlight. "You look alike."

"Course," Emmett yawned, "it's what brothers and sisters do best."

"Yeah." Edward bit his lip. "Well, see you later."

"Right." Emmett opened the door. "Hey, take care of the van, all right?" Edward nodded.

The next stop was Jasper's house. Edward slowed down a little. "Jasper?" He sat in the front seat now. "You all there?"

"Well, I'm here." Jasper looked off into the distance. "Two hands, two feet." He brought his hands up, then dropped them.

"Look, his isn't going to go away." Edward just had to be sober enough right now. "You can't just drink all your - "

"Shut it, faggot."

"Look who's talking."

"Fuck off."

Edward pulled the car over and brought it to a harsh stop. "Damn it, man!" The moonlight uncovered hidden threads in Jasper's blond hair, fell upon the planes of his face. The apparition of the man nearly made Edward weep. "What are you going to do, then? Run away?"

"Exactly what I was thinking," Jasper replied. He hesitated. "I don't know if you're even a bro anymore."

Edward bit his lip to fend off tears. He wouldn't mind losing Jasper as a lover as long as they were still friends. "We can still be bros."

"Bros don't suck each others' cocks."

"Maybe so," Edward said, "maybe so."

Jasper looked at Edward, felt the sting of guilt bear down on him. He sighed. "Look, just - just never speak of that night again."

"You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Hale."

"I do." Jasper pulled Edward forward and left him a long, uninhibited kiss.

Edward's eyelashes fluttered and his breath caught in his chest. The moment lasted for what seemed like hours until Jasper finally pulled away.

"See ya later, Eddie."

* * *

**a/n:** I hope none of ya'lls are imagining Robert Pattinson and Jackson Rathbone as Edward and Jasper (oh who am I kidding - I know you guys are). I just hated the way the movies made both the characters and actors look.


	6. hellogoodbye

**COOL STORY, BRO**

**MONDAY** (epilogue)

* * *

Edward stumbled into his apartment with midnight threatening his ass. It had been a long day. His new boss was just relentless with stupid bullshit Edward couldn't care less about, but if it paid the bills, _it paid the bills_. At least the movie he auditioned for a few weeks ago wanted him back for another reading. He went after work, feeling confident that he nailed it. Edward Anthony Cullen was not about to spend ten years in Hollywood with only minute roles and stand-ins on his résumé.

He noticed his answering machine had racked up a few more calls since this morning and pushed _play_.

"Hey Eddie!" He recognized Jasper's voice instantly. "Jasper here! You weren't home for some reason but holy shit, have I got big ne - "

"You're taking too long, Jasper! Give me the phone!" Alice's twinkling voice interrupted him.

"Get off of me, Allie-cat! I'm just - "

"We're getting _married_!" Alice squealed, reaching a pitch that disturbed dogs a few blocks down. Though it was over the phone, Edward cringed as if she were in the room. "Aren't you _excited_!"

There was some feedback and rustling noises, but Jasper was talking again. "Yeah, so just call me back ASAP, all right bro?"

_Click_.

Edward sat by the phone, wanting to throw the damn thing out the window. He didn't, though - there was one more message, after all.

"Hey, Edward, this is Rosalie." He guessed Jasper gave her his number - or forced him to. "I heard the idiot couple's getting hitched. They almost broke the phone - "

"Telly," a distant Alice interrupted.

"Isn't that a good name for a TV?"

"I already na - "

"So anyways," Rosalie said, having gotten back to the phone. "Yeah, so, um - " Her voice tapered off. "Call me?"

_Click_.

_End of new messages._

Edward took a deep, calming breath. He knew this would happen eventually, but this was so soon. He eventually found the strength to pick up the phone and dial. Edward put the receiver to his ear, meeting the dial tone.

_Don't pick up, don't pick up, Don't - _

"Hey, this is Jasper - "

"Oh God," Edward gasped with butterflies in his stomach. He cleared his throat. "I heard what happened. Um - cool story, bro. Congrats." He spoke faster than he'd ever remembered speaking.

" - not in right now or just downright lazy. Leave a message in five, four - "

_Beep_.

"Fuck!"

Edward hung up and slammed the phone back into its base, knocking a wrinkled old napkin off the desk. He picked it up. _Rosalie's number._ Jasper was wrong about her intentions. _Jealous_? The thought of Jasper being jealous over his own _sister_ just cracked Edward up.

He looked long and hard over the napkin, then back over at the phone. _Should I?_ He would only lead her on. Jasper was just too good a kisser. _And cocksucker._

Edward picked up the phone again, pressed each number slowly. His apartment was so still he could hear the dial tone beat into his brain.

_Don't pick up, don't pick up, Don't - _

"Hello?"

_Gulp._

- _fin_ -

* * *

**a/n:** It's done... for now. Obviously this is one of those stories that is begging for moar chapters but, I don't know. I'm not committed to it at the moment. But it's not completely crossed off my lists if you liked this AU.

I know the Edward/Rosalie (kill me for loving this pairing or liking anything involving this awful series) pull at the end is weird, but that's why I cut it off there. This is an Edward/Jasper fic, after all.


End file.
